Everyday Is A Day To Be Thankful


I will be writing a whole lot of negative things in the next few weeks. I know it will shed myself in a bitter light, which is far from true. To know me is to know graditude and thankful himself.

I am favored. I am loved. I am greatful. I am thankful.

I may have doubts and grievance with a lot of people and I may feel angry sad and even hate from time to time but these emotions have their place. Those emotions can not ever replace the joy, happiness and especially the love all of which hold far greater power.

I am thankful for everything, the good, the bad, the beautiful and ugly. Why? Because in our human beings we can only feel the extent of joy that our extent of anger can feel. We can only enjoy our happiness to the depths our sorrow has taken us. Most of all we if we didn’t hate anything, how could we possibly be protected from the reoccurring abuse from the love we feel? Love is patient and kind. Love holds no record of wrong and rejoices in truth! Without the emotion of hate how could we continue to love?

You may not agree with me but what I write is real.

Today Christmas Day, I woke up with heavy pain in my heart missing my children. I felt the humiliation in my soul as I tried to call my children without an answer as usual, my car sits two blocks away out of gas and I’m worried it ill be towed before I can get enough money to put gas in it. I’m worried like hell the DCFS will ruin everything I’ve worked my whole life for. On top of it all an hour ago I began throwing up and I have a fever. I have every reason to not love, I have every reason not to feel happiness or joy. I have every good reason to feel angry, sad and hate. I feel all of them.

So I looked at my tiny handsome beautiful son who was smiling at me expectantly this morning at 8am and my heart swelled with joy. As I made him oatmeal which is his favorite he began toddling circles in excitement until he fell and I laughed happily. Then my son took his morning stinkier and after I cleaned him up, he hugged me so tight and I felt overwhelming love.

Not just because it’s Christmas but everyday I am full of gratitude. I only am taking time out today to address it because it is Christmas and a painful one at that.

So despite being homeless, despite demons, despite the people that have mercilessly abused me, despite my children being used and forced out of my life, despite the painful humiliation, despite all of it I am thankful and full of gratitude for everything else. My heart is full of gratitude not just because it’s Christmas, and not just today, but everyday. Why?

Shout out of Thanks today and eternity to Jesus Christ who died for our sins so that we may have a chance to make it out of this painful world and into heaven. 🙂 Because of Jesus Christ, a man of no sin that only wanted and brought peace, love and joy to our world and got put to death as a result I am thankful everyday of my life.


All I Want For Christmas..


As I lost everything including our birth certificates, SS cards, irreplaceable pictures, Grandmother’s recipes, I told myself over and over no one can take my memories, things can be replaced but my life can not be.

All I ever needed was help. For heaven sake I didn’t even have the very papers that I would need to get a job!

I got help because I’m insistent and persistent. I also was beaten to a pulp emotionally, pushed forward as a personal punching bag and used as needed. I sit here Christmas Eve with my car blocks away because that’s where it ran out of gas due to having to drive hundreds of miles last week I shouldn’t have had to spend money doing so I could sign paperwork for everyone that is willing to speak well on my behalf to the DCFS.

Don’t be bitter? Ok! I won’t be bitter but I won’t be silent either — (:Evaaaal Smile:)

A month ago I looked forward to Christmas I had a dandy notion a Christmas miracle was going to occur and I was going to wake up to all three of my children opening their gifts and enjoying each other as I cook.

I never thought I could ever hurt as much as I did last year. I thought I was going to have a heart attack last Christmas it hurt so much to be without my children.

I was wrong. Not only does it hurt worse this year but now I sit in fear of not being able to amount to anything as a result of a personal vendetta a DCFS worker has against me. So I have to worry Ill forever be labeled as an abusive parent for tossing out my trash, humiliated once again in front of the same people that have made it their hobby and pass time to figure out ways ground me into the dirt (thanks to DCFS one again contacting my ex-husband) and afraid of how this will effect my being able to secure custody of my child, especially my 13 year old boy who needs me so much.

I will not let go of my faith I was using to believe I would have my children home for Christmas. As dad holds them legally hostage, I just don’t know I believe in divine help anymore. Jesus Never Fails I thought. I still believe that but maybe Jesus just doesn’t like me either.

I remember the first Christmas after my first son had died. I got it in my head if I believed hard enough I would wake up the next morning and my little boy wouldn’t be in the ground anymore. I thought somehow, someway instead my little boy would be alive and crawling around and that God would warp all of the nightmare away.

I woke up and ran down the steps for some reason I really felt if I believed hard enough…

I cried and lived through it and I understood God couldn’t just disrupt the whole natural world to give me my child back. God can do anything, even that! I admitted to myself that was asking for something so unnatural wasn’t fair for the coarse of life.

But believing Jesus God could open a door, give me strength and show me how to bring my children home before this Christmas wasn’t so unnatural or unfair. I believed.  I had felt such innocent hope because I have worked so hard. He at the least ignored hundreds of prayers from all over the map… I sent in tons of prayer requests! My children and I deserve to be together I really thought God would take mercy. Instead it is as if he punished us by having some pompous horrible person tear it apart with a smile. My God not answering me this time I think is the last thing I will ever care to hope for. My hope and hundreds of prayers from me and so many were answered with more demons attacking me. I’m safer giving up.

There is no reason to make a Christmas prayer wish, in fact I have every reason not too but since I love my babies so much and this is so painful here it goes…

In the name of Jesus Christ all I want for Christmas is my children home with me and their brother.

Dashing Through The Muck..


December 23, 2013 11 Months & 16 Days Homeless

(Since July of 2013 I live in a transitional living three bedroom apartment but I am still considered technically homeless)

Today my therapist said to me over the phone, “You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. I have been with you the whole time, you have tried your best.”

She will never be able to fully grasp how grateful I am she has been with me the whole time nor will she ever understand how much those words mean to me.

Today my son and I were woken up by the ring of my phone. I should have known better than to answer my phone while under extreme attack without fully waking. I did anyway.. It was the most horrible woman I had ever met calling to literally rub in what she knew would be the most painful thing she could actually get away with doing to me.

Let me explain something. I have learned that for the most part being poor and homeless sets this amazing different standard of laws. Here I thought it was against the law to change the standard of law due to your income status or where you live ,,,discrimination or something? But apparently it is not.

I took out my trash last week after my son had fallen asleep safely in his crib (as I was told to do after every diaper change by my ‘life skills coordinator’ joke to say the least) because guess what? This almost brand new building is infested with roaches!

-An insect I had never had the pleasure of meeting in all the 30 plus years I have been alive! In fact the 10 years I owned a rental property and was a landlord I never even had a complaint of one of these vile creatures!

Anyway, last week when I went to toss trash, I had my baby monitor and heard the exterminator and maintenance guy walk into my apartment. So I finished grabbing the trash that had escaped after the cheap bag broke tossed it and I headed back upstairs. The short of the long is I had a pretty much lawless entity named DCFS called on me as a result of taking under 10 minutes to take out my trash while leaving my son sleeping in his crib even though I had my baby monitor, was I was right outside.

Where I’m from there is no such entity named DCFS and if someone had tried to call the police on me for that reason, I am pretty sure the cop would write the caller out a ticket for wasting their time.

Nope people even in Illinois it is NOT against the law to take out my trash while my son is safely sleeping in his crib but as a result of my being poor and being through domestic abuse, there is a staff that is designed to help support us through our time of transition. This staff consists of unpaid and paid interns, people who have been fired from everything else but still have degrees, and a few good folks thrown in the mix. Much of this staff is worthless. Worse than worthless, they are down right punitive.

Out of all the places my journey had me stop along the way, my hopes for this program was my highest. The promise of peace and new beginning was disintegrated before my eyes even before I stepped foot on this property but being poor left me no option other than to deal with the next round of abuse. I was under the impression that this apartment building had been built so that women would have a safe place to regain their lives after the chaotic devastation domestic abuse leaves in it’s wake.

No brothers and sisters! That is the scam that these people use to secure funding to bring home a paycheck. The lady that was involved in calling DCFS not only had gotten rude with me two days before when I didn’t appreciate the careless way she had handled another matter, but she also happens to work for this same DCFS part time as well!

Let’s call her Jan – Right before Jan invoked her dishonest stand and told an intern to call this entity on me, I asked her, ‘Are you meaning to tell me when your son was young you never went and took your trash out, did gardening or yard work while your son was napping in his crib?’

Jan answered ‘Of coarse I did, but it was different because I didn’t live in this type of place.’ (Meaning in a place full of poor people where the building had what is suppose to be supportive staff that can abuse their power with victims of domestic abuse)

Additionally, should I be indicated which means ‘found guilty’ of this DCFS investigation (which I don’t see how I won’t be since I flat out did exactly what they are accusing me of) This domestic violence center will get grant money to provide me with staff supportive services.

Also my name will be in a central database and I will be watched like a hawk and anything any worker likes or doesn’t like will be a whim away from having my baby legally kidnapped by DCFS. My degree that is half finished in Social Work will be junk. Additionally, I won’t be able to work with children so all of my experience in the school district and daycare would be out the window.

I refuse to allow my son and I to become Jan’s next paycheck – A woman who told a big fat fib to to the intern to get her part-time coworkers from DCFS down here, A woman who got fired from another abuse center and in my humble and homeless opinion is nothing more than a pompous legal criminal.

I am not helpless. I called every attorney in this county until I was referred to a sliding scale pro-bono agency that goes after this DCFS for women and families in my position like sharks. I am holding my breath in response to whether or not they have enough funding and will choose to take my case.

So this morning my son and I woke up to the phone and I listened shocked as this lawless and out of control investigator woman buddy of Jan tell me that she contacted my ex-husband. My ex-husband, who has lied and told people I do and sell drugs. My ex-husband who has held my children hostage for now 16 months laughing as he watched me struggle and hide. My ex-husband who helped my abuser by giving him my new address and phone number. My ex-husband whom has no ties relation or anything to do with my baby son other than to use my other beautiful  two children to gladly rip my heart out in front of my baby son and watch me bleed while he smiles. Why? I asked this horrible woman ‘why would you do that?’ She said ‘Because I can.’

Jingle Bells, Something Smells, Jan Just Told A Fib

The universe has a way of taking good care of people like Jan. I am not worried about her. She will truly understand what it is like to rebuild something so painful and painfully only to have a liar come and bulldoze it over with a smile… I hope that who ever it is says ‘I understand’ to her, as she did and said to me. I have had to deal with many like her along this journey and one thing is for sure; I have faith. Every one of those people that harmed me in a selfish and dishonest manner has now had something even worse happen to them… thing is I don’t wish it. I just did my part honestly, whether it was to file a grievance or talk to their boss. I don’t wait for it, I let it go and it just happens!

As for Ms. DCFS? That woman I imagine has a special VERY special place in hell waiting on her someday. I can’t actually imagine, I don’t want to imagine so I won’t imagine.

As with both women I am angry but I will let go. Neither one is worthy of allowing my energy or pain to be spent.

In Shelter number 2 back in April, a kind staff member sat with me and prayed teaching me this now very close to my heart prayer..

In The Name Of Jesus Christ, No Weapon Formed Against Me Shall Prosper In The Name Of Jesus Christ.

I Learned That is God’s Promise To Me

The Lord Jesus will see me through this.

Dashing Through The Muck.. Merry Christmas! I don’t have it as bad as so many! For that I feel favored and blessed. Should mine or someone else’s happen to be worse than yours, may you feel favored and blessed as well 🙂

The Speech I Gave That Tells The Truth & A Lie All At Once


September 2013 This speech was given by me in front of a couple hundred people at a legislative breakfast that included a panel of legislators to help secure further program funding. I worked with the famous homeless coalition’s community organizer for weeks, and in the end this was my story… (AND I ain’t stickin’ to it??!!)

Some detail in the speech has been changed and names have been shortened or changed for the sake of my writing the Shocking TRUTH in the next few weeks, because it ain’t pretty….

I don’t need to be bitter about the truth because I don’t have to stay silent! Remember on the outside I am the golden child of the homeless people out here that spoke on behalf of these programs! I am the golden child they interviewed on TV, and they even bought me very expensive stuff, dressed me up and swept off to a Gala to be introduced to millionaires in hopes they would open their pocketbooks! 


But for now let’s start out with that candy coated version and give you a little background on myself before I walk you down a cold sick greedy disgusting road that is going to open your eyes as to what really happens in those homeless shelters that you volunteer for, donate too, drive past or pay tax dollars for.  

September 2013. Eight Months Homeless

Good morning, everyone.

Domestic abuse can devastate a good life into nothing in the matter of months. Try to imagine your life as you know it gone. Your job and income gone. The safety of your home gone. All of your savings spent on hiding, fighting for your life and the life of your unborn baby.

My story starts in Wisconsin where I was born and raised.

I only dated my abuser 2 or 3 months. He only had the opportunity to *physically* -hurt me- once or twice before I found out I was pregnant. I tried to break off the unhealthy relationship, and went into hiding. I didn’t realize that it would set him off to further attack me.

When my abuser could no longer find me he began systematically diminishing my already fragile support system. He involved my ex-husband, friends and family by telling them I was pregnant. I became so wary of people I had trusted most of my life that I forced myself to be isolated.
While I was hiding, I was put on strict bed-rest with my health declining fast. I was told my life was at risk.

The stress of the abuse was so bad that I was rushed into the hospital for the rest of my pregnancy.

While I was hospitalized I lost everything: My business, My home, and everything inside my home including Pictures and the Very Papers that gave me my identity: Birth Certificates Social Security Cards.

I tried to reach out to nurses and social workers in the hospital about my situation but no one could help me.

On June 28, 2012 I was gave birth to my 3lb premature healthy baby boy.

Two short weeks after having my baby, we were released. (PAUSE) Homeless with only what I had in my car.

As I was driving away it occurred to me that one of my childhood friends had gotten back into contact with me a year back and told me she had been homeless for an entire year. Her and her children had lived in a shelter just across the state lines in Illinois.

So that afternoon I drove to a sister city where she worked so I could ask her where I needed to go.

She immediately opened her doors to let us stay on her couch in Illinois so I could at least recover.

By December I had no choice but to cancel my food snaps and medical benefits in Wisconsin because I no longer lived there. I couldn’t afford to keep my car, and I didn’t know where I was!

Things got so tense with my friend and I it seemed dangerously unhealthy for us to continue staying there.

I used the neighbors phone to call the local Shelter after I saw it under Emergency Shelters in a resource guide. I was given careful instructions on exactly what to do and where to go.

On January 7, 2013 I bundled up my baby, put everything I owned into three small bags, and got on the bus to find the local shelter located in the pit of society on the outskirts of Chicago.

I want everyone to understand that even though my journey started at the Shelter, it was the collaboration of the homeless shelters and programs in Illinois that helped me regain my identity and my life.

Ms. B* and Mr. R* at the Family Shelter, gave me and my son hot food, a bed, a crib, and toys to turned a makeshift room into seemed like paradise.

The staff at the Shelter also provided transportation and referrals for us to obtain food stamps, vital records and identification, and ongoing parenting support. They also paid for my prescriptions for five months and referred me to my mental health therapist W*P* who has been my biggest support and reason I came through this.

Ms. M and her staff at my next shelter I was transferred too the S* House gave me and the other women the tools to boost our confidence and build independence.

Ms.* and Ms.* from the St House, the next shelter made sure we were taking care of business and finding a job. My case manager there must have also seen something in me because she never had me sitting around.

M*G* my from legal aid referred me to the A DV transitional program, and helped me obtain an order of protection against the man I was hiding from.

Once I made it to A DV, I realized that this is where I need to be to rebuild what was lost from the physical and emotional violence I endured. This is where I have the room and space to be the mother I need to be for my three children. The supportive housing and programming like family counseling and child support groups that is offered on-site at A DV is designed and geared for adults and children that have specifically been through the very dark moments of abuse.

Now imagine had all those services not been available to help my tiny baby and I. The way things were going my tiny son and I would have been hungry and looking for an abandoned building by February. Instead I am able to stand here and tell you that because of how these agencies worked together we are safe, healthy, my son is thriving and enjoys playing and learning to walk in an apartment we can call home. Now I am building a stronger foundation for our future without fear of being put out into the streets and best of all because of the support my son is looking forward to meeting his brother and sister soon and I get to look forward to holding my children again.
Thank you.