No Sleep For The Wary

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Why is it the wicked get to sleep well and those the wicked hurt are stuck awake with either worry, horrible grief or deep helpless anger.

Breath. Dont let it get to me. Have faith. All valid things to meditate and ease my mind with during the day so you can accomplish tasks. All good until the world goes silent from activity and I close my eyes for MY needed rest from MY world of works and painful overcomings. All I see is Jan’s lying face and hear her lying voice in my mind. I can brain wash myself daily with not allowing her actions to force me into a paralyzing fear, anger or a depression.

However when the lights go out and Jan is sleeping soundly with the rest of the world, I lay still wishing I could be the one to be there when the universe feeds her a double dose of the extreme pain she caused me and my children by lying.  I lay without sleep in deep sorrow with the image of my children almost in hugs reach but watch it float away with a satisfactory smile on Jan’s face. I lay trying to rest in my bed while my toddler sleeps in his crib next to me hoping the hypnotic sound of his baby snore lulls me into his dreamland. yet, all I can hear is my heart thrashing against my chest like Im having a heart attack.

While Jan dreams of sugarplums, I shake violently until I cry silently so I dont wake up my child just to try and release the slightest amount of pain and frustration. Without my children in my arms there is no suitable punishment for this woman I can even fancy my imagination to comfort me.

I don’t hate Jan because I never felt an attachment of love for her. I don’t wish physical pain or violence for her because in reality what is that going to do but draw sympathy she doesn’t deserve?

I hate this woman’s actions and and everything she is about! I think due to the amount of damage she has caused my children and I that is fair and healthy at this point.

It would make me sick to see her cry for anything because no tears that fat sow could cry will ever amount to the pain or dispair mi.e or my children’s have been. Then only to get so close and have a new demon so carelessly and untruthfully tell me she ‘understands’ as the sow smugly watches as I kiss goodbye the chances my other two children coming home for a good long while. Jan knew her lie would slim my chance of ever getting them home. Jan persued her co-worker to have me humiliated and taught a lesson, made sure to have my exhusband called so I would be emotionally abused and further harassed by him, made sure to ruin Christmas for us, Jan made sure I was stressed, scared and worried over her LIE and leaving my son sleeping in the safe enviroment of his crib under 10min to throw out my trash on the property where I live — with a baby monitor.

The only thing that would make me feel better is if this case is unfounded, my children come home and JAN has criminal charges brought againt her in a public forum and her lie exposed truthfully and pubically. THAT might constitue at least a fraction of the pain she has caused me. I wouldnt be able to say I know or I understand to her like I want too but I certainly would say I hope you learn a good lesson Jan Fisher.

#HealthyApproach
#LettingGo
#ExpressingPain
#EmotionalTorture
#SmugSow
#LiesLiesLies

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Everyday Is A Day To Be Thankful

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I will be writing a whole lot of negative things in the next few weeks. I know it will shed myself in a bitter light, which is far from true. To know me is to know graditude and thankful himself.

I am favored. I am loved. I am greatful. I am thankful.

I may have doubts and grievance with a lot of people and I may feel angry sad and even hate from time to time but these emotions have their place. Those emotions can not ever replace the joy, happiness and especially the love all of which hold far greater power.

I am thankful for everything, the good, the bad, the beautiful and ugly. Why? Because in our human beings we can only feel the extent of joy that our extent of anger can feel. We can only enjoy our happiness to the depths our sorrow has taken us. Most of all we if we didn’t hate anything, how could we possibly be protected from the reoccurring abuse from the love we feel? Love is patient and kind. Love holds no record of wrong and rejoices in truth! Without the emotion of hate how could we continue to love?

You may not agree with me but what I write is real.

Today Christmas Day, I woke up with heavy pain in my heart missing my children. I felt the humiliation in my soul as I tried to call my children without an answer as usual, my car sits two blocks away out of gas and I’m worried it ill be towed before I can get enough money to put gas in it. I’m worried like hell the DCFS will ruin everything I’ve worked my whole life for. On top of it all an hour ago I began throwing up and I have a fever. I have every reason to not love, I have every reason not to feel happiness or joy. I have every good reason to feel angry, sad and hate. I feel all of them.

So I looked at my tiny handsome beautiful son who was smiling at me expectantly this morning at 8am and my heart swelled with joy. As I made him oatmeal which is his favorite he began toddling circles in excitement until he fell and I laughed happily. Then my son took his morning stinkier and after I cleaned him up, he hugged me so tight and I felt overwhelming love.

Not just because it’s Christmas but everyday I am full of gratitude. I only am taking time out today to address it because it is Christmas and a painful one at that.

So despite being homeless, despite demons, despite the people that have mercilessly abused me, despite my children being used and forced out of my life, despite the painful humiliation, despite all of it I am thankful and full of gratitude for everything else. My heart is full of gratitude not just because it’s Christmas, and not just today, but everyday. Why?

Shout out of Thanks today and eternity to Jesus Christ who died for our sins so that we may have a chance to make it out of this painful world and into heaven. 🙂 Because of Jesus Christ, a man of no sin that only wanted and brought peace, love and joy to our world and got put to death as a result I am thankful everyday of my life.