#2014 Bringing My Children Home & Making Money

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After trying to call my children for days, on Christmas day I received a text from my ex-husband that said;

‘you are a worthless low life piece of shit being investigated for neglecting your son? I certainly won’t allow you too speak to the other two now. All 3 kids would be better off if you are dead’

DCFS is investigating me because an employee that works at the DV apartments where I live also works for DCFS part time. She wanted to ‘teach me a lesson’ she lied and then used her buddy at DCFS to settle a personal matter. I took my trash outside to the dumpster on the property I rent while I left my son in his crib sleeping AND had my baby monitor all done under 10 minutes and only a minute to reach my child at every given moment had he been in danger. The damage this woman has caused is criminal I have been told. For that when all is said and done, I will do what it takes to be sure she is charged.

I Christmas day throwing up and crying.

I have faith in God and Jesus Christ.

This morning my little girl was able to call me.

Hearing their voices strengthens me.

#2014 is going to be my year! I feel it and something good is going to happen and no one can stop it!

I am homeless, I am not alone. I am homeless, I am not helpless. I am homeless, I am smart…

You better watch out, you better not cry! You better not shout, I am telling you why… Homeless Chick Is Coming Home..

Signing OffImage #2013 Homeless Chick

No Sleep For The Wary

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Why is it the wicked get to sleep well and those the wicked hurt are stuck awake with either worry, horrible grief or deep helpless anger.

Breath. Dont let it get to me. Have faith. All valid things to meditate and ease my mind with during the day so you can accomplish tasks. All good until the world goes silent from activity and I close my eyes for MY needed rest from MY world of works and painful overcomings. All I see is Jan’s lying face and hear her lying voice in my mind. I can brain wash myself daily with not allowing her actions to force me into a paralyzing fear, anger or a depression.

However when the lights go out and Jan is sleeping soundly with the rest of the world, I lay still wishing I could be the one to be there when the universe feeds her a double dose of the extreme pain she caused me and my children by lying.  I lay without sleep in deep sorrow with the image of my children almost in hugs reach but watch it float away with a satisfactory smile on Jan’s face. I lay trying to rest in my bed while my toddler sleeps in his crib next to me hoping the hypnotic sound of his baby snore lulls me into his dreamland. yet, all I can hear is my heart thrashing against my chest like Im having a heart attack.

While Jan dreams of sugarplums, I shake violently until I cry silently so I dont wake up my child just to try and release the slightest amount of pain and frustration. Without my children in my arms there is no suitable punishment for this woman I can even fancy my imagination to comfort me.

I don’t hate Jan because I never felt an attachment of love for her. I don’t wish physical pain or violence for her because in reality what is that going to do but draw sympathy she doesn’t deserve?

I hate this woman’s actions and and everything she is about! I think due to the amount of damage she has caused my children and I that is fair and healthy at this point.

It would make me sick to see her cry for anything because no tears that fat sow could cry will ever amount to the pain or dispair mi.e or my children’s have been. Then only to get so close and have a new demon so carelessly and untruthfully tell me she ‘understands’ as the sow smugly watches as I kiss goodbye the chances my other two children coming home for a good long while. Jan knew her lie would slim my chance of ever getting them home. Jan persued her co-worker to have me humiliated and taught a lesson, made sure to have my exhusband called so I would be emotionally abused and further harassed by him, made sure to ruin Christmas for us, Jan made sure I was stressed, scared and worried over her LIE and leaving my son sleeping in the safe enviroment of his crib under 10min to throw out my trash on the property where I live — with a baby monitor.

The only thing that would make me feel better is if this case is unfounded, my children come home and JAN has criminal charges brought againt her in a public forum and her lie exposed truthfully and pubically. THAT might constitue at least a fraction of the pain she has caused me. I wouldnt be able to say I know or I understand to her like I want too but I certainly would say I hope you learn a good lesson Jan Fisher.

#HealthyApproach
#LettingGo
#ExpressingPain
#EmotionalTorture
#SmugSow
#LiesLiesLies

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Everyday Is A Day To Be Thankful

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I will be writing a whole lot of negative things in the next few weeks. I know it will shed myself in a bitter light, which is far from true. To know me is to know graditude and thankful himself.

I am favored. I am loved. I am greatful. I am thankful.

I may have doubts and grievance with a lot of people and I may feel angry sad and even hate from time to time but these emotions have their place. Those emotions can not ever replace the joy, happiness and especially the love all of which hold far greater power.

I am thankful for everything, the good, the bad, the beautiful and ugly. Why? Because in our human beings we can only feel the extent of joy that our extent of anger can feel. We can only enjoy our happiness to the depths our sorrow has taken us. Most of all we if we didn’t hate anything, how could we possibly be protected from the reoccurring abuse from the love we feel? Love is patient and kind. Love holds no record of wrong and rejoices in truth! Without the emotion of hate how could we continue to love?

You may not agree with me but what I write is real.

Today Christmas Day, I woke up with heavy pain in my heart missing my children. I felt the humiliation in my soul as I tried to call my children without an answer as usual, my car sits two blocks away out of gas and I’m worried it ill be towed before I can get enough money to put gas in it. I’m worried like hell the DCFS will ruin everything I’ve worked my whole life for. On top of it all an hour ago I began throwing up and I have a fever. I have every reason to not love, I have every reason not to feel happiness or joy. I have every good reason to feel angry, sad and hate. I feel all of them.

So I looked at my tiny handsome beautiful son who was smiling at me expectantly this morning at 8am and my heart swelled with joy. As I made him oatmeal which is his favorite he began toddling circles in excitement until he fell and I laughed happily. Then my son took his morning stinkier and after I cleaned him up, he hugged me so tight and I felt overwhelming love.

Not just because it’s Christmas but everyday I am full of gratitude. I only am taking time out today to address it because it is Christmas and a painful one at that.

So despite being homeless, despite demons, despite the people that have mercilessly abused me, despite my children being used and forced out of my life, despite the painful humiliation, despite all of it I am thankful and full of gratitude for everything else. My heart is full of gratitude not just because it’s Christmas, and not just today, but everyday. Why?

Shout out of Thanks today and eternity to Jesus Christ who died for our sins so that we may have a chance to make it out of this painful world and into heaven. 🙂 Because of Jesus Christ, a man of no sin that only wanted and brought peace, love and joy to our world and got put to death as a result I am thankful everyday of my life.

All I Want For Christmas..

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As I lost everything including our birth certificates, SS cards, irreplaceable pictures, Grandmother’s recipes, I told myself over and over no one can take my memories, things can be replaced but my life can not be.

All I ever needed was help. For heaven sake I didn’t even have the very papers that I would need to get a job!

I got help because I’m insistent and persistent. I also was beaten to a pulp emotionally, pushed forward as a personal punching bag and used as needed. I sit here Christmas Eve with my car blocks away because that’s where it ran out of gas due to having to drive hundreds of miles last week I shouldn’t have had to spend money doing so I could sign paperwork for everyone that is willing to speak well on my behalf to the DCFS.

Don’t be bitter? Ok! I won’t be bitter but I won’t be silent either — (:Evaaaal Smile:)

A month ago I looked forward to Christmas I had a dandy notion a Christmas miracle was going to occur and I was going to wake up to all three of my children opening their gifts and enjoying each other as I cook.

I never thought I could ever hurt as much as I did last year. I thought I was going to have a heart attack last Christmas it hurt so much to be without my children.

I was wrong. Not only does it hurt worse this year but now I sit in fear of not being able to amount to anything as a result of a personal vendetta a DCFS worker has against me. So I have to worry Ill forever be labeled as an abusive parent for tossing out my trash, humiliated once again in front of the same people that have made it their hobby and pass time to figure out ways ground me into the dirt (thanks to DCFS one again contacting my ex-husband) and afraid of how this will effect my being able to secure custody of my child, especially my 13 year old boy who needs me so much.

I will not let go of my faith I was using to believe I would have my children home for Christmas. As dad holds them legally hostage, I just don’t know I believe in divine help anymore. Jesus Never Fails I thought. I still believe that but maybe Jesus just doesn’t like me either.

I remember the first Christmas after my first son had died. I got it in my head if I believed hard enough I would wake up the next morning and my little boy wouldn’t be in the ground anymore. I thought somehow, someway instead my little boy would be alive and crawling around and that God would warp all of the nightmare away.

I woke up and ran down the steps for some reason I really felt if I believed hard enough…

I cried and lived through it and I understood God couldn’t just disrupt the whole natural world to give me my child back. God can do anything, even that! I admitted to myself that was asking for something so unnatural wasn’t fair for the coarse of life.

But believing Jesus God could open a door, give me strength and show me how to bring my children home before this Christmas wasn’t so unnatural or unfair. I believed.  I had felt such innocent hope because I have worked so hard. He at the least ignored hundreds of prayers from all over the map… I sent in tons of prayer requests! My children and I deserve to be together I really thought God would take mercy. Instead it is as if he punished us by having some pompous horrible person tear it apart with a smile. My God not answering me this time I think is the last thing I will ever care to hope for. My hope and hundreds of prayers from me and so many were answered with more demons attacking me. I’m safer giving up.

There is no reason to make a Christmas prayer wish, in fact I have every reason not too but since I love my babies so much and this is so painful here it goes…

In the name of Jesus Christ all I want for Christmas is my children home with me and their brother.