#2014 Bringing My Children Home & Making Money

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After trying to call my children for days, on Christmas day I received a text from my ex-husband that said;

‘you are a worthless low life piece of shit being investigated for neglecting your son? I certainly won’t allow you too speak to the other two now. All 3 kids would be better off if you are dead’

DCFS is investigating me because an employee that works at the DV apartments where I live also works for DCFS part time. She wanted to ‘teach me a lesson’ she lied and then used her buddy at DCFS to settle a personal matter. I took my trash outside to the dumpster on the property I rent while I left my son in his crib sleeping AND had my baby monitor all done under 10 minutes and only a minute to reach my child at every given moment had he been in danger. The damage this woman has caused is criminal I have been told. For that when all is said and done, I will do what it takes to be sure she is charged.

I Christmas day throwing up and crying.

I have faith in God and Jesus Christ.

This morning my little girl was able to call me.

Hearing their voices strengthens me.

#2014 is going to be my year! I feel it and something good is going to happen and no one can stop it!

I am homeless, I am not alone. I am homeless, I am not helpless. I am homeless, I am smart…

You better watch out, you better not cry! You better not shout, I am telling you why… Homeless Chick Is Coming Home..

Signing OffImage #2013 Homeless Chick

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No Sleep For The Wary

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Why is it the wicked get to sleep well and those the wicked hurt are stuck awake with either worry, horrible grief or deep helpless anger.

Breath. Dont let it get to me. Have faith. All valid things to meditate and ease my mind with during the day so you can accomplish tasks. All good until the world goes silent from activity and I close my eyes for MY needed rest from MY world of works and painful overcomings. All I see is Jan’s lying face and hear her lying voice in my mind. I can brain wash myself daily with not allowing her actions to force me into a paralyzing fear, anger or a depression.

However when the lights go out and Jan is sleeping soundly with the rest of the world, I lay still wishing I could be the one to be there when the universe feeds her a double dose of the extreme pain she caused me and my children by lying.  I lay without sleep in deep sorrow with the image of my children almost in hugs reach but watch it float away with a satisfactory smile on Jan’s face. I lay trying to rest in my bed while my toddler sleeps in his crib next to me hoping the hypnotic sound of his baby snore lulls me into his dreamland. yet, all I can hear is my heart thrashing against my chest like Im having a heart attack.

While Jan dreams of sugarplums, I shake violently until I cry silently so I dont wake up my child just to try and release the slightest amount of pain and frustration. Without my children in my arms there is no suitable punishment for this woman I can even fancy my imagination to comfort me.

I don’t hate Jan because I never felt an attachment of love for her. I don’t wish physical pain or violence for her because in reality what is that going to do but draw sympathy she doesn’t deserve?

I hate this woman’s actions and and everything she is about! I think due to the amount of damage she has caused my children and I that is fair and healthy at this point.

It would make me sick to see her cry for anything because no tears that fat sow could cry will ever amount to the pain or dispair mi.e or my children’s have been. Then only to get so close and have a new demon so carelessly and untruthfully tell me she ‘understands’ as the sow smugly watches as I kiss goodbye the chances my other two children coming home for a good long while. Jan knew her lie would slim my chance of ever getting them home. Jan persued her co-worker to have me humiliated and taught a lesson, made sure to have my exhusband called so I would be emotionally abused and further harassed by him, made sure to ruin Christmas for us, Jan made sure I was stressed, scared and worried over her LIE and leaving my son sleeping in the safe enviroment of his crib under 10min to throw out my trash on the property where I live — with a baby monitor.

The only thing that would make me feel better is if this case is unfounded, my children come home and JAN has criminal charges brought againt her in a public forum and her lie exposed truthfully and pubically. THAT might constitue at least a fraction of the pain she has caused me. I wouldnt be able to say I know or I understand to her like I want too but I certainly would say I hope you learn a good lesson Jan Fisher.

#HealthyApproach
#LettingGo
#ExpressingPain
#EmotionalTorture
#SmugSow
#LiesLiesLies

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Good News? I’m Pissed Off That I Have To Even Announce This As News

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You may want to call me a pessimist, but you’re wrong. I’m so much a positive thinker that most of the time people around me have a hard time understand.

I know not many read this, my real life friends and following is not privy to this diary of the Homeless Chick. I see a few people have read them and I’m not sure you can comment here but if you can and want too please do! Or if you want to email me please do. We aren’t meant to live this life alone. As long as you don’t add to my stress you are welcome in my life 🙂

homelesschick@outlook.com

A Forward to the ‘Good News’

I feel like what is the use in thinking negatively about most things? That doesn’t mean I am unrealistic! I had a cold Christmas where my ex-husband refused to allow my children to even speak to me. He said I was a worthless low-life piece of shit and that all three of my children (speaking of our two and my youngest son which isn’t his) would be better off if I was dead – what sparked the latest brutal emotional psychological attack on me and my children?? A DCFS worker that called my ex-husband to tell him I am being investigated for child neglect. The DCFS worker failed to mention that I was being investigated for taking my trash out to the dumpster on the property I rent while my son was safely in his crib sleeping and I had a baby monitor. The DCFS worker was concerned with an agenda her buddy and co-worker Jan asked me to fulfill (Jan is a woman that works for DCFS and for the DV program in which I live in & has beef with me) .

Instead I spent a Christmas throwing up and crying and being deprived of even hearing my children’s voices.

Jan is going to lose her job(s). It’s a little sing song to ward off the unhealthy anger without outlet that creeps up.

The ‘Good News’

Yesterday I was contacted by an agency that is willing to have an attorney advocate for me free of charge with the DCFS matter. This agency ‘aims to stop DCFS from using invalidated rules to “indicate” parents who are poor, single, a teenager or immigrant, a victim of abuse themselves, or suffer from a treatable mental health conditions.’

I am rich with love but otherwise poor at the moment in the wallet (LOL) – homeless to get technical, I have been through domestic abuse, I am single, and I have Attention Deficit Disorder which the state doesn’t recognize as a mental health classification or even pays cost of medication for. However; Because I was truthful with the investigator and told her I see a psychiatrist for my medication DCFS wrote it down under mental health disorder. I am the current poster child for DCFS prey.

So thankfully there is a group of people fighting these Parent Predators. I do believe in a child welfare system. I don’t believe in preying on poor, single, young, immigrants, victims or the mentally ill.

That is what DCFS does in this state on a regular basis. You say that can not be!! You ask Why???

Many reasons but I will break it down. I’ll cut out the politics and big words. Instead I’ll invite your reasoning and logic to understand.

Logical motive – if only ‘actual’ neglect or abuse cases were found indicated (meaning it ACTUALLY FACTUALLY occurred), thousands of DCFS employees would lose their jobs.

For instance; If a DCFS investigator takes a single mother who is being or has been abused by a partner or family memeber, is too poor for legal help, has a lack of substantial support and the investigator uses pressure and threats against her – the investigator knows the mother probably won’t have the knowledge, confidence, strength or support to fight an indicated report of neglect or abuse – even if no ACTUAL OR FACTUAL harm or real risk of harm occurred to the child. An investigator can take 60 plus days to investigate allegations, trump up a nice twisted sounding case and a case manager can take years to manage her case. Both the investigator and case manager have made an investment for their job security! Logic. There are other more difficult reasons but that one I stated is enough especially in this economy.

After the emotional beating I have been through with the investigator and my ex-husband these past two weeks, I can barely think straight. If I do think too straight I begin throwing up from the emotional pain! My therapist said I’m mentally intact and that is just my bodies way of coping with extremely painful emotions.

I have been through an investigation with a MUCH nicer investigator once before, and as a result of their being no harm or risk of harm to my child and probably the main reason is because I had an attorney at the time for the DV who advocated for me during the investigation, it was unfounded. (this again was while I was in shelter, myself and almost every girl was investigated be DCFS for one reason or another – DCFS preys on poor remember?? oohh and shelters get sideline kick backs if DCFS becomes involved!!)

I can’t imagine trying to navigate such a lawless acting entity on my own. So here it is folks I am loved and favored by my Lord because he never leaves me without an extended hand. The good neew that pisses me off to even call it news is this agency is my extended hand. Those simple words of ‘congratulations we have discussed your case and we would like to offer you legal advocacy in hopes we can bring your case unfounded.’ meant the world to me. I am grateful!

I miss my two beautiful children so much it is killing me. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it through this alive the pain inside is so bad. Now my battle which was to begin Pro-Se in January must be put off pending results of this DCFS investigation. None of this will ever be okay, it has been so long. After all of the damage DCFS is doing I will HAVE to have an attorney in order to even see my children again.

I did nothing wrong to have me so forced out of their lives (there is no past abuse or neglect or even any alligations of) The court sure treated me as if I had abused or neglected my children. They did this because I refused to give the court my new address after moving as a result of the court refusing to keep my address from my ex-husband because he was giving all the information he could to my abuser to help him find me so he could continue his abuse. I was pregnant when my ex-husband took me into to court for full placement of the children, and as my health declined and I was forced to hide to stay safe the dimmer my chances with my two children I stayed home and raised in perfection became. My ex-husband and my actions (justified as I know them to be) still painted a shady picture of unstable. In reality as I became hospitalized and having already lost my business because of strict bed-rest which began very early in my pregnancy due to preclampsia and then losing a place to live and being poverty stricken what felt like over night I wasn’t terribly stable. The court refused me visitation without their having an address for me and my ex-husband refused to allow me to see them unless I came into his home where he accuses me of whatever he wants too. 

I am proud of how strong I am. I am proud I have learned from my mistakes so I hope to God I don’t make them again and most of all I am proud of how much I have grown in the last years. I feel better about myself homeless than I did all of the years I pretended to be perfect.

Pt. 2 of ‘Good News? I’m Pissed Off That I Have To Even Announce This As News’ is coming in a squeal when I announce DCFS is unfounded.. Ugh til then bear with me… Raising my children, working three jobs, going to school, and through a divorce was FAR easier than being homeless. Being homeless at times is a full-time job on it’s own.

Everyday Is A Day To Be Thankful

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I will be writing a whole lot of negative things in the next few weeks. I know it will shed myself in a bitter light, which is far from true. To know me is to know graditude and thankful himself.

I am favored. I am loved. I am greatful. I am thankful.

I may have doubts and grievance with a lot of people and I may feel angry sad and even hate from time to time but these emotions have their place. Those emotions can not ever replace the joy, happiness and especially the love all of which hold far greater power.

I am thankful for everything, the good, the bad, the beautiful and ugly. Why? Because in our human beings we can only feel the extent of joy that our extent of anger can feel. We can only enjoy our happiness to the depths our sorrow has taken us. Most of all we if we didn’t hate anything, how could we possibly be protected from the reoccurring abuse from the love we feel? Love is patient and kind. Love holds no record of wrong and rejoices in truth! Without the emotion of hate how could we continue to love?

You may not agree with me but what I write is real.

Today Christmas Day, I woke up with heavy pain in my heart missing my children. I felt the humiliation in my soul as I tried to call my children without an answer as usual, my car sits two blocks away out of gas and I’m worried it ill be towed before I can get enough money to put gas in it. I’m worried like hell the DCFS will ruin everything I’ve worked my whole life for. On top of it all an hour ago I began throwing up and I have a fever. I have every reason to not love, I have every reason not to feel happiness or joy. I have every good reason to feel angry, sad and hate. I feel all of them.

So I looked at my tiny handsome beautiful son who was smiling at me expectantly this morning at 8am and my heart swelled with joy. As I made him oatmeal which is his favorite he began toddling circles in excitement until he fell and I laughed happily. Then my son took his morning stinkier and after I cleaned him up, he hugged me so tight and I felt overwhelming love.

Not just because it’s Christmas but everyday I am full of gratitude. I only am taking time out today to address it because it is Christmas and a painful one at that.

So despite being homeless, despite demons, despite the people that have mercilessly abused me, despite my children being used and forced out of my life, despite the painful humiliation, despite all of it I am thankful and full of gratitude for everything else. My heart is full of gratitude not just because it’s Christmas, and not just today, but everyday. Why?

Shout out of Thanks today and eternity to Jesus Christ who died for our sins so that we may have a chance to make it out of this painful world and into heaven. 🙂 Because of Jesus Christ, a man of no sin that only wanted and brought peace, love and joy to our world and got put to death as a result I am thankful everyday of my life.

Dashing Through The Muck..

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December 23, 2013 11 Months & 16 Days Homeless

(Since July of 2013 I live in a transitional living three bedroom apartment but I am still considered technically homeless)

Today my therapist said to me over the phone, “You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. I have been with you the whole time, you have tried your best.”

She will never be able to fully grasp how grateful I am she has been with me the whole time nor will she ever understand how much those words mean to me.

Today my son and I were woken up by the ring of my phone. I should have known better than to answer my phone while under extreme attack without fully waking. I did anyway.. It was the most horrible woman I had ever met calling to literally rub in what she knew would be the most painful thing she could actually get away with doing to me.

Let me explain something. I have learned that for the most part being poor and homeless sets this amazing different standard of laws. Here I thought it was against the law to change the standard of law due to your income status or where you live ,,,discrimination or something? But apparently it is not.

I took out my trash last week after my son had fallen asleep safely in his crib (as I was told to do after every diaper change by my ‘life skills coordinator’ joke to say the least) because guess what? This almost brand new building is infested with roaches!

-An insect I had never had the pleasure of meeting in all the 30 plus years I have been alive! In fact the 10 years I owned a rental property and was a landlord I never even had a complaint of one of these vile creatures!

Anyway, last week when I went to toss trash, I had my baby monitor and heard the exterminator and maintenance guy walk into my apartment. So I finished grabbing the trash that had escaped after the cheap bag broke tossed it and I headed back upstairs. The short of the long is I had a pretty much lawless entity named DCFS called on me as a result of taking under 10 minutes to take out my trash while leaving my son sleeping in his crib even though I had my baby monitor, was I was right outside.

Where I’m from there is no such entity named DCFS and if someone had tried to call the police on me for that reason, I am pretty sure the cop would write the caller out a ticket for wasting their time.

Nope people even in Illinois it is NOT against the law to take out my trash while my son is safely sleeping in his crib but as a result of my being poor and being through domestic abuse, there is a staff that is designed to help support us through our time of transition. This staff consists of unpaid and paid interns, people who have been fired from everything else but still have degrees, and a few good folks thrown in the mix. Much of this staff is worthless. Worse than worthless, they are down right punitive.

Out of all the places my journey had me stop along the way, my hopes for this program was my highest. The promise of peace and new beginning was disintegrated before my eyes even before I stepped foot on this property but being poor left me no option other than to deal with the next round of abuse. I was under the impression that this apartment building had been built so that women would have a safe place to regain their lives after the chaotic devastation domestic abuse leaves in it’s wake.

No brothers and sisters! That is the scam that these people use to secure funding to bring home a paycheck. The lady that was involved in calling DCFS not only had gotten rude with me two days before when I didn’t appreciate the careless way she had handled another matter, but she also happens to work for this same DCFS part time as well!

Let’s call her Jan – Right before Jan invoked her dishonest stand and told an intern to call this entity on me, I asked her, ‘Are you meaning to tell me when your son was young you never went and took your trash out, did gardening or yard work while your son was napping in his crib?’

Jan answered ‘Of coarse I did, but it was different because I didn’t live in this type of place.’ (Meaning in a place full of poor people where the building had what is suppose to be supportive staff that can abuse their power with victims of domestic abuse)

Additionally, should I be indicated which means ‘found guilty’ of this DCFS investigation (which I don’t see how I won’t be since I flat out did exactly what they are accusing me of) This domestic violence center will get grant money to provide me with staff supportive services.

Also my name will be in a central database and I will be watched like a hawk and anything any worker likes or doesn’t like will be a whim away from having my baby legally kidnapped by DCFS. My degree that is half finished in Social Work will be junk. Additionally, I won’t be able to work with children so all of my experience in the school district and daycare would be out the window.

I refuse to allow my son and I to become Jan’s next paycheck – A woman who told a big fat fib to to the intern to get her part-time coworkers from DCFS down here, A woman who got fired from another abuse center and in my humble and homeless opinion is nothing more than a pompous legal criminal.

I am not helpless. I called every attorney in this county until I was referred to a sliding scale pro-bono agency that goes after this DCFS for women and families in my position like sharks. I am holding my breath in response to whether or not they have enough funding and will choose to take my case.

So this morning my son and I woke up to the phone and I listened shocked as this lawless and out of control investigator woman buddy of Jan tell me that she contacted my ex-husband. My ex-husband, who has lied and told people I do and sell drugs. My ex-husband who has held my children hostage for now 16 months laughing as he watched me struggle and hide. My ex-husband who helped my abuser by giving him my new address and phone number. My ex-husband whom has no ties relation or anything to do with my baby son other than to use my other beautiful  two children to gladly rip my heart out in front of my baby son and watch me bleed while he smiles. Why? I asked this horrible woman ‘why would you do that?’ She said ‘Because I can.’

Jingle Bells, Something Smells, Jan Just Told A Fib

The universe has a way of taking good care of people like Jan. I am not worried about her. She will truly understand what it is like to rebuild something so painful and painfully only to have a liar come and bulldoze it over with a smile… I hope that who ever it is says ‘I understand’ to her, as she did and said to me. I have had to deal with many like her along this journey and one thing is for sure; I have faith. Every one of those people that harmed me in a selfish and dishonest manner has now had something even worse happen to them… thing is I don’t wish it. I just did my part honestly, whether it was to file a grievance or talk to their boss. I don’t wait for it, I let it go and it just happens!

As for Ms. DCFS? That woman I imagine has a special VERY special place in hell waiting on her someday. I can’t actually imagine, I don’t want to imagine so I won’t imagine.

As with both women I am angry but I will let go. Neither one is worthy of allowing my energy or pain to be spent.

In Shelter number 2 back in April, a kind staff member sat with me and prayed teaching me this now very close to my heart prayer..

In The Name Of Jesus Christ, No Weapon Formed Against Me Shall Prosper In The Name Of Jesus Christ.

I Learned That is God’s Promise To Me

The Lord Jesus will see me through this.

Dashing Through The Muck.. Merry Christmas! I don’t have it as bad as so many! For that I feel favored and blessed. Should mine or someone else’s happen to be worse than yours, may you feel favored and blessed as well 🙂