No Sleep For The Wary

Standard

Why is it the wicked get to sleep well and those the wicked hurt are stuck awake with either worry, horrible grief or deep helpless anger.

Breath. Dont let it get to me. Have faith. All valid things to meditate and ease my mind with during the day so you can accomplish tasks. All good until the world goes silent from activity and I close my eyes for MY needed rest from MY world of works and painful overcomings. All I see is Jan’s lying face and hear her lying voice in my mind. I can brain wash myself daily with not allowing her actions to force me into a paralyzing fear, anger or a depression.

However when the lights go out and Jan is sleeping soundly with the rest of the world, I lay still wishing I could be the one to be there when the universe feeds her a double dose of the extreme pain she caused me and my children by lying.  I lay without sleep in deep sorrow with the image of my children almost in hugs reach but watch it float away with a satisfactory smile on Jan’s face. I lay trying to rest in my bed while my toddler sleeps in his crib next to me hoping the hypnotic sound of his baby snore lulls me into his dreamland. yet, all I can hear is my heart thrashing against my chest like Im having a heart attack.

While Jan dreams of sugarplums, I shake violently until I cry silently so I dont wake up my child just to try and release the slightest amount of pain and frustration. Without my children in my arms there is no suitable punishment for this woman I can even fancy my imagination to comfort me.

I don’t hate Jan because I never felt an attachment of love for her. I don’t wish physical pain or violence for her because in reality what is that going to do but draw sympathy she doesn’t deserve?

I hate this woman’s actions and and everything she is about! I think due to the amount of damage she has caused my children and I that is fair and healthy at this point.

It would make me sick to see her cry for anything because no tears that fat sow could cry will ever amount to the pain or dispair mi.e or my children’s have been. Then only to get so close and have a new demon so carelessly and untruthfully tell me she ‘understands’ as the sow smugly watches as I kiss goodbye the chances my other two children coming home for a good long while. Jan knew her lie would slim my chance of ever getting them home. Jan persued her co-worker to have me humiliated and taught a lesson, made sure to have my exhusband called so I would be emotionally abused and further harassed by him, made sure to ruin Christmas for us, Jan made sure I was stressed, scared and worried over her LIE and leaving my son sleeping in the safe enviroment of his crib under 10min to throw out my trash on the property where I live — with a baby monitor.

The only thing that would make me feel better is if this case is unfounded, my children come home and JAN has criminal charges brought againt her in a public forum and her lie exposed truthfully and pubically. THAT might constitue at least a fraction of the pain she has caused me. I wouldnt be able to say I know or I understand to her like I want too but I certainly would say I hope you learn a good lesson Jan Fisher.

#HealthyApproach
#LettingGo
#ExpressingPain
#EmotionalTorture
#SmugSow
#LiesLiesLies

Posted from WordPress for Android

Advertisements

All I Want For Christmas..

Standard

As I lost everything including our birth certificates, SS cards, irreplaceable pictures, Grandmother’s recipes, I told myself over and over no one can take my memories, things can be replaced but my life can not be.

All I ever needed was help. For heaven sake I didn’t even have the very papers that I would need to get a job!

I got help because I’m insistent and persistent. I also was beaten to a pulp emotionally, pushed forward as a personal punching bag and used as needed. I sit here Christmas Eve with my car blocks away because that’s where it ran out of gas due to having to drive hundreds of miles last week I shouldn’t have had to spend money doing so I could sign paperwork for everyone that is willing to speak well on my behalf to the DCFS.

Don’t be bitter? Ok! I won’t be bitter but I won’t be silent either — (:Evaaaal Smile:)

A month ago I looked forward to Christmas I had a dandy notion a Christmas miracle was going to occur and I was going to wake up to all three of my children opening their gifts and enjoying each other as I cook.

I never thought I could ever hurt as much as I did last year. I thought I was going to have a heart attack last Christmas it hurt so much to be without my children.

I was wrong. Not only does it hurt worse this year but now I sit in fear of not being able to amount to anything as a result of a personal vendetta a DCFS worker has against me. So I have to worry Ill forever be labeled as an abusive parent for tossing out my trash, humiliated once again in front of the same people that have made it their hobby and pass time to figure out ways ground me into the dirt (thanks to DCFS one again contacting my ex-husband) and afraid of how this will effect my being able to secure custody of my child, especially my 13 year old boy who needs me so much.

I will not let go of my faith I was using to believe I would have my children home for Christmas. As dad holds them legally hostage, I just don’t know I believe in divine help anymore. Jesus Never Fails I thought. I still believe that but maybe Jesus just doesn’t like me either.

I remember the first Christmas after my first son had died. I got it in my head if I believed hard enough I would wake up the next morning and my little boy wouldn’t be in the ground anymore. I thought somehow, someway instead my little boy would be alive and crawling around and that God would warp all of the nightmare away.

I woke up and ran down the steps for some reason I really felt if I believed hard enough…

I cried and lived through it and I understood God couldn’t just disrupt the whole natural world to give me my child back. God can do anything, even that! I admitted to myself that was asking for something so unnatural wasn’t fair for the coarse of life.

But believing Jesus God could open a door, give me strength and show me how to bring my children home before this Christmas wasn’t so unnatural or unfair. I believed.  I had felt such innocent hope because I have worked so hard. He at the least ignored hundreds of prayers from all over the map… I sent in tons of prayer requests! My children and I deserve to be together I really thought God would take mercy. Instead it is as if he punished us by having some pompous horrible person tear it apart with a smile. My God not answering me this time I think is the last thing I will ever care to hope for. My hope and hundreds of prayers from me and so many were answered with more demons attacking me. I’m safer giving up.

There is no reason to make a Christmas prayer wish, in fact I have every reason not too but since I love my babies so much and this is so painful here it goes…

In the name of Jesus Christ all I want for Christmas is my children home with me and their brother.