#2014 Bringing My Children Home & Making Money

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After trying to call my children for days, on Christmas day I received a text from my ex-husband that said;

‘you are a worthless low life piece of shit being investigated for neglecting your son? I certainly won’t allow you too speak to the other two now. All 3 kids would be better off if you are dead’

DCFS is investigating me because an employee that works at the DV apartments where I live also works for DCFS part time. She wanted to ‘teach me a lesson’ she lied and then used her buddy at DCFS to settle a personal matter. I took my trash outside to the dumpster on the property I rent while I left my son in his crib sleeping AND had my baby monitor all done under 10 minutes and only a minute to reach my child at every given moment had he been in danger. The damage this woman has caused is criminal I have been told. For that when all is said and done, I will do what it takes to be sure she is charged.

I Christmas day throwing up and crying.

I have faith in God and Jesus Christ.

This morning my little girl was able to call me.

Hearing their voices strengthens me.

#2014 is going to be my year! I feel it and something good is going to happen and no one can stop it!

I am homeless, I am not alone. I am homeless, I am not helpless. I am homeless, I am smart…

You better watch out, you better not cry! You better not shout, I am telling you why… Homeless Chick Is Coming Home..

Signing OffImage #2013 Homeless Chick

All I Want For Christmas..

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As I lost everything including our birth certificates, SS cards, irreplaceable pictures, Grandmother’s recipes, I told myself over and over no one can take my memories, things can be replaced but my life can not be.

All I ever needed was help. For heaven sake I didn’t even have the very papers that I would need to get a job!

I got help because I’m insistent and persistent. I also was beaten to a pulp emotionally, pushed forward as a personal punching bag and used as needed. I sit here Christmas Eve with my car blocks away because that’s where it ran out of gas due to having to drive hundreds of miles last week I shouldn’t have had to spend money doing so I could sign paperwork for everyone that is willing to speak well on my behalf to the DCFS.

Don’t be bitter? Ok! I won’t be bitter but I won’t be silent either — (:Evaaaal Smile:)

A month ago I looked forward to Christmas I had a dandy notion a Christmas miracle was going to occur and I was going to wake up to all three of my children opening their gifts and enjoying each other as I cook.

I never thought I could ever hurt as much as I did last year. I thought I was going to have a heart attack last Christmas it hurt so much to be without my children.

I was wrong. Not only does it hurt worse this year but now I sit in fear of not being able to amount to anything as a result of a personal vendetta a DCFS worker has against me. So I have to worry Ill forever be labeled as an abusive parent for tossing out my trash, humiliated once again in front of the same people that have made it their hobby and pass time to figure out ways ground me into the dirt (thanks to DCFS one again contacting my ex-husband) and afraid of how this will effect my being able to secure custody of my child, especially my 13 year old boy who needs me so much.

I will not let go of my faith I was using to believe I would have my children home for Christmas. As dad holds them legally hostage, I just don’t know I believe in divine help anymore. Jesus Never Fails I thought. I still believe that but maybe Jesus just doesn’t like me either.

I remember the first Christmas after my first son had died. I got it in my head if I believed hard enough I would wake up the next morning and my little boy wouldn’t be in the ground anymore. I thought somehow, someway instead my little boy would be alive and crawling around and that God would warp all of the nightmare away.

I woke up and ran down the steps for some reason I really felt if I believed hard enough…

I cried and lived through it and I understood God couldn’t just disrupt the whole natural world to give me my child back. God can do anything, even that! I admitted to myself that was asking for something so unnatural wasn’t fair for the coarse of life.

But believing Jesus God could open a door, give me strength and show me how to bring my children home before this Christmas wasn’t so unnatural or unfair. I believed.  I had felt such innocent hope because I have worked so hard. He at the least ignored hundreds of prayers from all over the map… I sent in tons of prayer requests! My children and I deserve to be together I really thought God would take mercy. Instead it is as if he punished us by having some pompous horrible person tear it apart with a smile. My God not answering me this time I think is the last thing I will ever care to hope for. My hope and hundreds of prayers from me and so many were answered with more demons attacking me. I’m safer giving up.

There is no reason to make a Christmas prayer wish, in fact I have every reason not too but since I love my babies so much and this is so painful here it goes…

In the name of Jesus Christ all I want for Christmas is my children home with me and their brother.

Dashing Through The Muck..

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December 23, 2013 11 Months & 16 Days Homeless

(Since July of 2013 I live in a transitional living three bedroom apartment but I am still considered technically homeless)

Today my therapist said to me over the phone, “You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. I have been with you the whole time, you have tried your best.”

She will never be able to fully grasp how grateful I am she has been with me the whole time nor will she ever understand how much those words mean to me.

Today my son and I were woken up by the ring of my phone. I should have known better than to answer my phone while under extreme attack without fully waking. I did anyway.. It was the most horrible woman I had ever met calling to literally rub in what she knew would be the most painful thing she could actually get away with doing to me.

Let me explain something. I have learned that for the most part being poor and homeless sets this amazing different standard of laws. Here I thought it was against the law to change the standard of law due to your income status or where you live ,,,discrimination or something? But apparently it is not.

I took out my trash last week after my son had fallen asleep safely in his crib (as I was told to do after every diaper change by my ‘life skills coordinator’ joke to say the least) because guess what? This almost brand new building is infested with roaches!

-An insect I had never had the pleasure of meeting in all the 30 plus years I have been alive! In fact the 10 years I owned a rental property and was a landlord I never even had a complaint of one of these vile creatures!

Anyway, last week when I went to toss trash, I had my baby monitor and heard the exterminator and maintenance guy walk into my apartment. So I finished grabbing the trash that had escaped after the cheap bag broke tossed it and I headed back upstairs. The short of the long is I had a pretty much lawless entity named DCFS called on me as a result of taking under 10 minutes to take out my trash while leaving my son sleeping in his crib even though I had my baby monitor, was I was right outside.

Where I’m from there is no such entity named DCFS and if someone had tried to call the police on me for that reason, I am pretty sure the cop would write the caller out a ticket for wasting their time.

Nope people even in Illinois it is NOT against the law to take out my trash while my son is safely sleeping in his crib but as a result of my being poor and being through domestic abuse, there is a staff that is designed to help support us through our time of transition. This staff consists of unpaid and paid interns, people who have been fired from everything else but still have degrees, and a few good folks thrown in the mix. Much of this staff is worthless. Worse than worthless, they are down right punitive.

Out of all the places my journey had me stop along the way, my hopes for this program was my highest. The promise of peace and new beginning was disintegrated before my eyes even before I stepped foot on this property but being poor left me no option other than to deal with the next round of abuse. I was under the impression that this apartment building had been built so that women would have a safe place to regain their lives after the chaotic devastation domestic abuse leaves in it’s wake.

No brothers and sisters! That is the scam that these people use to secure funding to bring home a paycheck. The lady that was involved in calling DCFS not only had gotten rude with me two days before when I didn’t appreciate the careless way she had handled another matter, but she also happens to work for this same DCFS part time as well!

Let’s call her Jan – Right before Jan invoked her dishonest stand and told an intern to call this entity on me, I asked her, ‘Are you meaning to tell me when your son was young you never went and took your trash out, did gardening or yard work while your son was napping in his crib?’

Jan answered ‘Of coarse I did, but it was different because I didn’t live in this type of place.’ (Meaning in a place full of poor people where the building had what is suppose to be supportive staff that can abuse their power with victims of domestic abuse)

Additionally, should I be indicated which means ‘found guilty’ of this DCFS investigation (which I don’t see how I won’t be since I flat out did exactly what they are accusing me of) This domestic violence center will get grant money to provide me with staff supportive services.

Also my name will be in a central database and I will be watched like a hawk and anything any worker likes or doesn’t like will be a whim away from having my baby legally kidnapped by DCFS. My degree that is half finished in Social Work will be junk. Additionally, I won’t be able to work with children so all of my experience in the school district and daycare would be out the window.

I refuse to allow my son and I to become Jan’s next paycheck – A woman who told a big fat fib to to the intern to get her part-time coworkers from DCFS down here, A woman who got fired from another abuse center and in my humble and homeless opinion is nothing more than a pompous legal criminal.

I am not helpless. I called every attorney in this county until I was referred to a sliding scale pro-bono agency that goes after this DCFS for women and families in my position like sharks. I am holding my breath in response to whether or not they have enough funding and will choose to take my case.

So this morning my son and I woke up to the phone and I listened shocked as this lawless and out of control investigator woman buddy of Jan tell me that she contacted my ex-husband. My ex-husband, who has lied and told people I do and sell drugs. My ex-husband who has held my children hostage for now 16 months laughing as he watched me struggle and hide. My ex-husband who helped my abuser by giving him my new address and phone number. My ex-husband whom has no ties relation or anything to do with my baby son other than to use my other beautiful  two children to gladly rip my heart out in front of my baby son and watch me bleed while he smiles. Why? I asked this horrible woman ‘why would you do that?’ She said ‘Because I can.’

Jingle Bells, Something Smells, Jan Just Told A Fib

The universe has a way of taking good care of people like Jan. I am not worried about her. She will truly understand what it is like to rebuild something so painful and painfully only to have a liar come and bulldoze it over with a smile… I hope that who ever it is says ‘I understand’ to her, as she did and said to me. I have had to deal with many like her along this journey and one thing is for sure; I have faith. Every one of those people that harmed me in a selfish and dishonest manner has now had something even worse happen to them… thing is I don’t wish it. I just did my part honestly, whether it was to file a grievance or talk to their boss. I don’t wait for it, I let it go and it just happens!

As for Ms. DCFS? That woman I imagine has a special VERY special place in hell waiting on her someday. I can’t actually imagine, I don’t want to imagine so I won’t imagine.

As with both women I am angry but I will let go. Neither one is worthy of allowing my energy or pain to be spent.

In Shelter number 2 back in April, a kind staff member sat with me and prayed teaching me this now very close to my heart prayer..

In The Name Of Jesus Christ, No Weapon Formed Against Me Shall Prosper In The Name Of Jesus Christ.

I Learned That is God’s Promise To Me

The Lord Jesus will see me through this.

Dashing Through The Muck.. Merry Christmas! I don’t have it as bad as so many! For that I feel favored and blessed. Should mine or someone else’s happen to be worse than yours, may you feel favored and blessed as well 🙂